Dealing with said stress….

I couldn’t have said it better myself (and its kinda catchy!)

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When it rains it pours

I’m beginning to think my family is medically cursed (at least for now).  My father was diagnosed with carcinoid cancer in his liver back in June (the timing couldn’t have been better-I found out 6 days after my D&C).  He had surgery in July to resect his liver, and hopefully solve the problem.

Well, turns out there is more cancer-more than we thought at least. He’s going to have a second surgery to remove part of his small intestine and colon-because the cancer is there to.  Hopefully through surgery it can be treated, and he’ll go on to live a long and healthy life-and be closely monitored for re occurrences, but there are no guarantees.  I’m also having to take the information that is passed along from my parents as fact-which I don’t know how accurate they are.  I’m finding them to be quite the alarmists, as well as slightly martyr like, and its exhausting me!

I am.so.tired.  I can barely find the energy to go through my day-live normally, and take care of my fertility treatments on the side.  I definitely don’t have the energy and/or time to have to take this on as well-my brain can’t handle it all!

I also feel guilty-guilty I can’t 100% be there for my parents, because I have my own crap to take care of and worry about.  Guilty that I’m not worried enough about my dad.  I just have to believe he’s going to be ok and get through this-because mentally I can’t handle thinking that he might not be.

So-if anyone has any extra prayers-if you can send a few Pop’s way-that would be fabulous!

We have a plan!

Over the last two years so many things have changed, and seem to constantly change-so our plan has been ever evolving! IVF?IUI?TI?  This last loss, and consequent low AMH threw us for a loop.  Do we need to do IVF if we can get pregnant on our own?  Is IVF even an option due to my low AMH?  If we decide not to do IVF right now, will that be an option in the future?  After mulling over everything and looking at the big picture with all our test results-we’ve decided to go ahead and do IVF.  I am prepared though, that with such a crappy AMH, I might not produce many eggs-and if that happens, we will just convert to IUI.

Some might say-but you got pregnant on your own-why would you still do IVF?  I may be able to get pregnant on my own, and maybe I don’t NEED IVF, but I’m not willilng to gamble that we will get pregnant on our own, and lose what might be our last shot at IVF.  Maybe we don’t NEED it, or maybe we just got really lucky once-but the only way to find out would to keep trying on our own-and time isn’t on our side.  We have all the meds, already paid for, and my clinic is giving us a discount on this cycle, so if anytime would be good, now is the best.

Before this last pregnancy, a second IVF cycle was our plan.  Getting pregnant on our own could be a fluke, so I don’t want to change what we thought was the best course of action just a few months ago.  Aside from this having been our plan-my low and swiftly falling AMH is my biggest motivator for NOW.  Unfortunately I don’t have the luxury of waiting and seeing.  If this IVF doesn’t work, we aren’t jumping straight to Donor eggs or embryo adoption yet-but I want to give this IVF cycle the best chance-and doing it now accomplishes that.

It feels good to have a plan, but its also scary.  The past few months have been all about my healing-and I finally feel like I’m in a good place again.  Its scary that moving forward with treatment might rock the boat, but its a chance I have to take.

So, to my ovaries-get ready to gear up kids!  Ute-get sticky.  Here we go AGAIN.

Walk a mile (or step) in my shoes

I understand that if you haven’t been through it, then you can’t truly understand what it feels like to have infertility or to lose a pregnancy, to lose a baby.  I understand that other people’s lives have no direct impact on my fertility.  I understand that other people can’t plan their pregnancy’s or how they feel about them around how I might feel.  I don’t want people to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me, but treading lightly wouldn’t hurt.  All I wish that people would do is TRY to put themselves in my shoes before they speak (or in today’s example, send pictures of their latest ultrasound)

Yes, I am happy for you.  Any child is a miracle and while I don’t begrudge you yours, recogonize the fact that I have been through a lot, for a long time, and I am still grieving a loss.  The only picture I have of my baby is an ultrasound-and by sending me a picture of yours it just reminds me that my baby is gone, and it hurts-like hell- to see that.

While I don’t wish miscarriage or infertility upon anyone, I do wish compassion and understanding on them.  Its not fair that I’ve had to struggle for 2 years to get pregnant, or that I’ve lost 3 pregnancies.  Its not fair that I can’t simply feel happy for others successes-but that’s my life.  Would you send someone who just lost a child-an actual living, outside your body child, an ultrasound picture of theirs?  I doubt it.  While no one else knew my baby-I did, and I grieve its loss everyday.

Hope

Today is a good day.  For one of the first times, since our loss, I feel hopeful.  Not to say I don’t miss our baby bean like crazy-because I do.  But I have a restored hope (however temporary that may be), and it feels good.

Maybe its because of a dream I had last night.  In my dream we had twins.  I’m not sure exactly how we became parents, but I remember it was not in a conventional way-but we had our babies.  In my dream I held them, and fed them, and marvelled at how perfect they were.  I felt like a parent.  Then I had to wake up.

All day I have had the feeling that we WILL be parents, and the peace that comes with it.  I’m actually looking forward to trying again.  Today I am ready.  I’m not sure exactly how we will get there-I know I have no control over the outcome.  I do have a “potential plan” for our next step, and feel good about our decision.  I’m prepared for it not to work, but I think pursuing this next step will help me close the door on one avenue, and move on to the next.  Xoxo

Hello world!

So…….I’ve gone and done it.  I’ve started a blog.

Its something I’ve thought about for awhile, but I’ve always held back because I didn’t know if I would have enough to say.  Its the craze de jour’ – chronicle your life and start a blog!   I’ve decided it doesn’t matter if mine gets lost in the shuffle, because at the end of the day, I want this for me.

Anyone who knows my husband and I, knows that the past two years have been rough-its been a long road we’ve traveled, as we’ve struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss.  In a nutshell, we have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years.  During that 2 years we have had 3 pregnancy losses.  The past year has been filled with infertility tests and treatments-I had no idea the amount that I would get poke and proded, or how much I would learn (but never want to know) about the reproductive system.  All of this has yielded the diagnosis of DOR or Diminished Ovarian Reserve.  This diagnosis is a punch in the gut-not only is getting pregnant difficult-but I’m quickly running out of time-something I never thought I would have to deal with at 30!

As I’ve dealt with infertility, reading the blogs of other women in my shoes has been a godsend.  They have made me feel less alone, and if my blog can bring peace to just one women who is dealing with infertility, then I’m happy.  Infertility is its own special kind of hell, and one of the worst parts is feeling isolated.   There is such a sense of loss and disappointment.  Your life is not as you expected-and its completely out of your control.  I truly believe that unless you have experienced the loss of a pregnancy you can’t imagine how it feels.  From the momemnt you find out you are pregnant-you are a mother.  You don’t yet know your child, but you have hopes and dreams for it.  Infertility and pregnancy loss carry their own grief, and not one that many people can emphasize with.

Aside from reaching out to other women, I want to remember this time in our lives, no matter how hard, and never want to forget what we’ve been through-as we continue our journey, “waiting on a angel”.

Xoxo