Rainbow Baby

And I can’t wait.  I’ll go ahead and spill the beans and let you in on a little secret-I’ve been testing since Friday and getting positives on Dollar Tree HPT’s!!!! So, I’m fairly confident that tomorrow’s beta is going to say I’m pregnant!

I’m still on pins and needles waiting to find out what the actual beta is!  And then to see if it doubles.  And then to see if we have a heartbeat.  And then to see if we still have a heartbeat.  But such is the life of a pregnant after loss, IF’er.  Its going to be a long 9 months (hopefully!) One day at time.

A few weeks ago this was in my fortune cookie-I’m taking it to mean soon I will have my rainbow baby!

You drive me crazy…

Sung to Brit Brit’s tune.  And the “you” would be this 2ww!  Every symtom, every twinge, must.be.analyzed.  I’m a little bloated, have a killer headache and my boobs are definitely sore.  Pregnant?  Or phantom symptoms caused by the ever lovely PIO?

This is not a normal 2ww either-I also have the trigger to contend with.  I’ve never actually tested out my trigger before, and just assumed I would be a normal person, and it would be gone about 8 or 9 days after my trigger.  When I tested it on 9 days after the trigger and 4dp3dt there was still a faint line.  Ok, I thought, so it hung around longer than most.  Surely when I test at 11 days after the trigger at 6dp3dt it will be gone.  Nope-still a faint line.  So, is it trigger?  Am I pregnant?  Who the hell knows.

I’ll wait until Sunday, and test again.  By then SURELY the line will either be gone or darker (BFP, woot woot).  Until Sunday, I’ll try not to gnaw all my finger nails off.

Snuggle in my Embabies!

Saturday was transfer day!  We were able to transfer 2 grade 2 embryos (an 8 cell and a 10 cell), along with a grade 3, 12 cell embryo.  The transfer went smoothly and since then I’ve been doing ALOT of taking it easy!  I’ve been reading and catching up on my DVR:)

The next week is going to drive me crazy!  Right after the transfer I was so worried about transferring 3-what if they all stick around!  There is no way I can safely carry triplets!  Now I’m mostly scared that none of them will stick.  While I’m realistic, I can’t help but feeling like this has to work.  I’m already analyzing every twinge and symptom-I’m crampy, is that bad?  I’m not crampy, is that bad?  I don’t have any symptoms yet-What.does. this.mean???? I’m already thinking like a crazy person.  I’ll just do my best to keep the crazy under wraps!  Ultimately I know that the outcome is out of my hands-and I just have to take it day by day and keep living my life.  The world doesn’t stop for a crazy infertile!

Let me present 2 of the trio-Embie A and B!  (12 cell fat boy had his own picture)

And here is Hubs, MD, ready to go into the OR for transfer

Embies are Growing!!!

Egg retrieval went as well as it possibly could!  We were able to retrieve 6 eggs, and out of those 5 were mature.  ALL 5 of those mature eggs fertilized!  So, as of now, we have 5 embabies growing!!!

Tomorrow is transfer day-and we are planning on transferring 3.  I am holding my breath, hoping that we still have some great looking embies to choose from come tomorrow morning!

Tomorrow is Egg Retrieval Wednsday!

Tomorrow is the day.  This cycle has been full of ups and downs-YES! Things are looking great.  NO!  We might have to cancel you.

So, just getting to the egg retrieval feels like a success.

We are only anticipating 5 eggs, but that gives us a fighting chance.  We will be ICSI’ing all of them.  Our plan is to transfer 3 or 4 of the embryos (if we have that many to work with)  given my history.  Even if we get pregnant with triplets lets say, with our history there seems to be a good chance that they won’t all make it.

My fingers are crossed and prayers are said that tomorrow goes smoothly and that we get some healthy, high quality, mature eggs-that will hopefully turn into our take home baby/babies!

Today I remember

And every day I remember.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.  While I think of my three angels every day, I don’t make a point of publicly recognizing them.  Today is different.  Today I want the world to acknowledge that they existed, that they matter.  I want to remind the world that I am just one of many-one of every 4 women goes through this devastating loss, and somehow finds a way to pick up the pieces.  They find a way to somehow be stronger than they ever thought they could be.

While some memories fade, the memory of each loss is still just as clear as the day it happened.  I still remember, each time, the disbelief.  I can still feel the intense grief.  I remember the exact words that were said by the doctors and nurses givng me the news that no one ever wants to hear.   And the crying.  Crying like I don’t think I’ve ever cried before.  The pain-such a strong emotional pain that it was physical.  I felt so empty, so broken.  I will never forget those feelings, just like I will never forget my babies that are in heaven.  Going through a miscarriage changes you.  I can now say that I was able to survive the losses, but I will never be the same person that I was.  I am forever changed, and will forever have the scars.

The primal drive to be a mother is amazing.  Even though I can still feel the pain, that memory isn’t enough to make me give up.  Here I am, over two years and 3 losses later, still trying.  The only thing that scares me more than having to go through that pain again, is the thought of never being a mother.

 

Expectations

It is slightly amazing to me how many times I have had to alter my expectations-especially in our IF journey.

If you would have asked me 3 years ago, what I expected, it would be that by now, I would have a 1 or 2 year old.  That we soon would be trying for our second, and deciding between having 2 or 3 children.  End of story.

Obviously that is not the case, and after every setback, and every hurdle we’ve cleared, I’ve had to adjust my expectations.

Before I ever knew that we would be dealing with IF, I had to adjust my expectations on when we would have children.  After our first miscarriage and trying again, I adjusted when I thought that baby might enter our lives.  After seeing an RE and discovering we were dealing with IF I had to adjust my expectations that we would get pregnant naturally.  After we moved onto IVF I had to accept that it would take something more expensive and invasive than I ever thought.  During my first IVF cycle I had to change my expectation that because I was young, I would make plenty of eggs, and decide to be grateful for the few I did produce.

This cycle is no different.  At the beginning I had over 10 antral follicles-just waiting to grow into eggs.  I let myself dream that I might make a “normal” number of eggs.  After my first two monitoring appointments-when only 3 eggs were maturing, I quickly changed that expectation.  I decided any number of eggs, enough to make it to retrieval, would make me happy.  Lo and behold, today I have 6 follicles that we expect to retrieve.  And I’m ecstatic!

This morning I had 3 follicles on each side, ranging between 11 and 15mm.  Our RE expects us to trigger on Sunday, for an egg retrieval on Tuesday.  Thank goodness we are getting closer.

You would think after all that we’ve been through and all the set backs we’ve had to overcome, I would have learned not to set expectations – and that what will be, will be.  Clearly, I’m a slow learner.