Today I remember

And every day I remember.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.  While I think of my three angels every day, I don’t make a point of publicly recognizing them.  Today is different.  Today I want the world to acknowledge that they existed, that they matter.  I want to remind the world that I am just one of many-one of every 4 women goes through this devastating loss, and somehow finds a way to pick up the pieces.  They find a way to somehow be stronger than they ever thought they could be.

While some memories fade, the memory of each loss is still just as clear as the day it happened.  I still remember, each time, the disbelief.  I can still feel the intense grief.  I remember the exact words that were said by the doctors and nurses givng me the news that no one ever wants to hear.   And the crying.  Crying like I don’t think I’ve ever cried before.  The pain-such a strong emotional pain that it was physical.  I felt so empty, so broken.  I will never forget those feelings, just like I will never forget my babies that are in heaven.  Going through a miscarriage changes you.  I can now say that I was able to survive the losses, but I will never be the same person that I was.  I am forever changed, and will forever have the scars.

The primal drive to be a mother is amazing.  Even though I can still feel the pain, that memory isn’t enough to make me give up.  Here I am, over two years and 3 losses later, still trying.  The only thing that scares me more than having to go through that pain again, is the thought of never being a mother.

 

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