I’m a lucky girl

While I sit at my desk and work, I get to look up at pictures of my beautiful, amazing kids – and I don’t know how I got to be so lucky.  How are these possibly MY babies?  Not too long ago I was looking up at motivational pictures and phrases, begging me to hang on, not to give up my dream.  At home, in the middle of the chaos, and the diapers, and the tantrums, its easy to forgot to really stop and notice just how beautiful and amazing they are, and how lucky I am.

A photo is a snap shot in time, with out the pressures of living, and sometimes that’s what I need to remind me.  Our life hasn’t been easy, and I don’t expect it to ever be, that just seems to be who we are – and that is something beautiful in that imperfection – And when I have these nuggets to love on, how can I not feel anything less than the luckiest girl in the world.

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Mommy Friends

I made a new mommy friend last night – a very special mommy friend! Out of the 400 or so Pitt Hopkins cases world wide, we just so happen to have another family with a son with PTHS who lives just a few miles from us!
It is crazy how having something like this in common can make you feel instantly bonded. We met for drinks and I’m so happy we did – she is incredibly sweet, and has been dealing with this for longer than me so it was nice to hear her perspective. I’ll be honest, her son seems to be pretty low functioning and that scares me because I have such high hopes for Harper, but even with all their challenges, so seems to hold it together pretty well.
In Nolan news, he has started MMO one morning a week and it seems to be going well. I’m not there, so I don’t know exactly how he feels about it-but he doesn’t cry when we drop off-so that’s good:) My skinny mini is now into the 50-75 percentile for height, but poor kid is still <3% in weight. So, we're working on beefing the boy up-pediasure shakes, extra snacks, ect.
Eric and I are starting a small group tonight through our church – focused on marriage. I figured that will all the kid centered stuff going on in our lives, we needed some time to focus on us, and try something different than the standard date night.
Here are the kids at lunch-I LOURVE that my nanny sends me pics through out the day-its proof for me that they are happy and I'm not totally screwing them up by not staying home with them!
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2014

I have to say that 2013 was the most life altering year I’ve ever had. I felt so many highs and lows, from intense depression to complete and utter joy. It was an incredibly challenging year, but also a year filled with the most contentment and love I’ve ever felt. How could it not be, when adding two beautiful little people into the mix!

Our holidays were great-exhausting, but it was awesome to have the babies with us! I’m excited for years to come when they really can participate! The babies turned 7 months on New Year’s eve-its hard to imagine that these are the same babies born just months ago. Nolan is already like a little man-sitting, grabbing, “talking” and laughing. His personality is already so big! Harper is still the more chill and laid back baby – but she loves her snuggles and loves her mama!

While I can’t wait to see how they grow and change and we are able to “do” more with them, it makes me sad to think about how fast time is passing and how quickly they won’t be my little babies anymore. Since having them, I have become acutely aware of the passage of time-probably because I have the babies as a tangible gauge and reminder.

Here are some pics of the nuggets ❤

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I’m still here!

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Sorry for the radio silence but life is BUSY!
The babies are doing great! They are 12 and a half weeks old and will be 3 months on the 31st.
The amount they have grown and changed in such a short amount of time is amazing. From being 3lb12oz and 4lb9oz to now (we will know their new weights on Monday) and from being super sleepy preemies to babies that smile,coo, and reach for toys is incredible. Nolan is consistently smiling and “talking”. Harper is starting to interact more and rolled over for the first time last night-poor thing-it scared her to death!
We’re making awesome progress on the sleeping front as well-The babies go down around 9pm and one usually wakes up sometime b/t 2 and 4am and then they sleep again until around 8am. There have been a couple of nights that Harper has slept through and one night they both have! I can’t wait until that is the norm!
I started back to work last week-its been hard to be away from the nuggets, but ultimately I think its been good for me. It gives me a routine, gets me out of the house and gives me a break from baby care. I love our nanny and really feel like the babies are in great hands with her.
Being a mother is everything I dreamed of and nothing like I thought it would be at the same time. If I’m going to be totally honest its taking me longer to “bond” with them than I thought it would. I love them to the depths of my heart and would die for them, but I still don’t totally feel like they are “mine”. I think that I spent so much energy trying to protect myself-from the miscarriages and unsuccessful infertility treatments, and then worrying my entire pregnancy, that its taking me longer than your “average” mom to feel that closeness and tear down the walls. Although I’m feeling better now, I’m also fairly certain I was dealing with post partum depression and anxiety as well. Now I can recognize just how miserable I was feeling and that it wasn’t because I’m a bad mom or not meant to be one-but mentally I was in a bad place. While it makes me sad that their newborn days are clouded by that, I know that we are on an upswing and that the connection I’m dreaming about is there and will grow with time. Right now I’m just focusing on snuggling the heck out of my nuggets!
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6 weeks

The babies will be 6 weeks old tomorrow.  My 40 week due date was yesterday-that is crazy!

They are both doing great and growing like little weeds.  At our last pediatrician appointment Harper was 6lb 9 oz and Nolan was 6lb 1oz-gaining like champs!  That was almost two weeks ago so I would bet they are both over or close to 7lbs.

Now that they are “full term” I can tell a difference in how alert they are.  They spend more time awake and seem to focus now and then.  Nolan has always seemed more alert and active-so I can see the most change in Harper.  She will stay awake and happily lay on her boppy or in the swing and just look around, moving her arms and legs everywhere.

Having infant twins isn’t getting easier, but I’m feeling more confident in my ability to take care of them, especially when I’m by myself-so I’m not feeling as anxious, which is nice.  Last night they slept from 9pm until almost 3am-I’m hoping this is a trend forming!

I’m starting to accept that I will, in fact, be going back to work in August.  As much as I can’t stand the idea of leaving my babies, I’m actually looking forward to going back to work and having more to my days, and more to my identity, than babies and mommy.  So, in preparation, I’m started searching for a nanny.  I have a few interviews lined up-and I’m hoping I find someone I love, that seems to love the babies and that I can trust.  I want to find someone sooner rather than later so I can have her come and help me a few days, so I will be able to see her in action!

Here are a few pictures from the babies newborn photo shoot – almost 3 weeks ago!  Nolan was not into cooperating that day-so we don’t have as many pictures of him as we do of Harper!

 

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