Hope

Today is a good day.  For one of the first times, since our loss, I feel hopeful.  Not to say I don’t miss our baby bean like crazy-because I do.  But I have a restored hope (however temporary that may be), and it feels good.

Maybe its because of a dream I had last night.  In my dream we had twins.  I’m not sure exactly how we became parents, but I remember it was not in a conventional way-but we had our babies.  In my dream I held them, and fed them, and marvelled at how perfect they were.  I felt like a parent.  Then I had to wake up.

All day I have had the feeling that we WILL be parents, and the peace that comes with it.  I’m actually looking forward to trying again.  Today I am ready.  I’m not sure exactly how we will get there-I know I have no control over the outcome.  I do have a “potential plan” for our next step, and feel good about our decision.  I’m prepared for it not to work, but I think pursuing this next step will help me close the door on one avenue, and move on to the next.  Xoxo

Hello world!

So…….I’ve gone and done it.  I’ve started a blog.

Its something I’ve thought about for awhile, but I’ve always held back because I didn’t know if I would have enough to say.  Its the craze de jour’ – chronicle your life and start a blog!   I’ve decided it doesn’t matter if mine gets lost in the shuffle, because at the end of the day, I want this for me.

Anyone who knows my husband and I, knows that the past two years have been rough-its been a long road we’ve traveled, as we’ve struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss.  In a nutshell, we have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years.  During that 2 years we have had 3 pregnancy losses.  The past year has been filled with infertility tests and treatments-I had no idea the amount that I would get poke and proded, or how much I would learn (but never want to know) about the reproductive system.  All of this has yielded the diagnosis of DOR or Diminished Ovarian Reserve.  This diagnosis is a punch in the gut-not only is getting pregnant difficult-but I’m quickly running out of time-something I never thought I would have to deal with at 30!

As I’ve dealt with infertility, reading the blogs of other women in my shoes has been a godsend.  They have made me feel less alone, and if my blog can bring peace to just one women who is dealing with infertility, then I’m happy.  Infertility is its own special kind of hell, and one of the worst parts is feeling isolated.   There is such a sense of loss and disappointment.  Your life is not as you expected-and its completely out of your control.  I truly believe that unless you have experienced the loss of a pregnancy you can’t imagine how it feels.  From the momemnt you find out you are pregnant-you are a mother.  You don’t yet know your child, but you have hopes and dreams for it.  Infertility and pregnancy loss carry their own grief, and not one that many people can emphasize with.

Aside from reaching out to other women, I want to remember this time in our lives, no matter how hard, and never want to forget what we’ve been through-as we continue our journey, “waiting on a angel”.

Xoxo