I haz it.

To be truthful, I’ve always had anxiety.  This is nothing new for me, but it is different now.  Having kids definitely kicked it up a notch.  Learning I have a special needs child kicked it up a few more.

There are days where I am just a mom, and we are just a family, like any other.  I don’t see (or at least don’t focus on) Harper’s delay’s, or therapy, or doctor’s appointments.  I love those days.  When my hands and heart are just full.

And then there are the days where I get stuck, where ALL I can think about are Harper’s therapies, and how much she isn’t progressing (even though she is, just at her own pace), and her future.  And I become so filled with anxiety, and so filled with fear I can’t think about anything else. I worry about Nolan-worried that because all my energy and focus is eaten up with worries for his sister, that I don’t have anything left in me to worry the normal worries for my boy. Along with all this comes the unpleasant feeling that I’m failing-that I’m not doing enough for either of them, if that’s even humanly possible.  Is your best really ever enough?

Sometimes I just let myself sit and stew in the anxiety, knowing its not permanent.  I let myself be angry and sad that my life has taken so many turns I never expected, that it has been so much more challenging.  Sad and angry that Harper’s future will be so different than I ever thought, and realizing that is a problem for me to deal with, because Harper’s future will be just what is should be. I know after I allow myself to wallow for a bit, I will have to put on my big girl pants, pull myself together and be the best mom I can (even if that’s not enough) for these two little people that God has entrusted to us.  I have to believe he gave them to us for a reason, because he knew it would give my life purpose, or because they would give someone else’s life purpose or maybe because I was the best person for the job for these two angels.  I don’ know why, but I have to believe the God does and that he is in control and that if Harper or I needs lifting up he will be there to do it.

I hope to wake up tomorrow, just a mom, embracing OUR normal.