I’m still here!

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Sorry for the radio silence but life is BUSY!
The babies are doing great! They are 12 and a half weeks old and will be 3 months on the 31st.
The amount they have grown and changed in such a short amount of time is amazing. From being 3lb12oz and 4lb9oz to now (we will know their new weights on Monday) and from being super sleepy preemies to babies that smile,coo, and reach for toys is incredible. Nolan is consistently smiling and “talking”. Harper is starting to interact more and rolled over for the first time last night-poor thing-it scared her to death!
We’re making awesome progress on the sleeping front as well-The babies go down around 9pm and one usually wakes up sometime b/t 2 and 4am and then they sleep again until around 8am. There have been a couple of nights that Harper has slept through and one night they both have! I can’t wait until that is the norm!
I started back to work last week-its been hard to be away from the nuggets, but ultimately I think its been good for me. It gives me a routine, gets me out of the house and gives me a break from baby care. I love our nanny and really feel like the babies are in great hands with her.
Being a mother is everything I dreamed of and nothing like I thought it would be at the same time. If I’m going to be totally honest its taking me longer to “bond” with them than I thought it would. I love them to the depths of my heart and would die for them, but I still don’t totally feel like they are “mine”. I think that I spent so much energy trying to protect myself-from the miscarriages and unsuccessful infertility treatments, and then worrying my entire pregnancy, that its taking me longer than your “average” mom to feel that closeness and tear down the walls. Although I’m feeling better now, I’m also fairly certain I was dealing with post partum depression and anxiety as well. Now I can recognize just how miserable I was feeling and that it wasn’t because I’m a bad mom or not meant to be one-but mentally I was in a bad place. While it makes me sad that their newborn days are clouded by that, I know that we are on an upswing and that the connection I’m dreaming about is there and will grow with time. Right now I’m just focusing on snuggling the heck out of my nuggets!
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