I haz it.
To be truthful, I’ve always had anxiety. This is nothing new for me, but it is different now. Having kids definitely kicked it up a notch. Learning I have a special needs child kicked it up a few more.
There are days where I am just a mom, and we are just a family, like any other. I don’t see (or at least don’t focus on) Harper’s delay’s, or therapy, or doctor’s appointments. I love those days. When my hands and heart are just full.
And then there are the days where I get stuck, where ALL I can think about are Harper’s therapies, and how much she isn’t progressing (even though she is, just at her own pace), and her future. And I become so filled with anxiety, and so filled with fear I can’t think about anything else. I worry about Nolan-worried that because all my energy and focus is eaten up with worries for his sister, that I don’t have anything left in me to worry the normal worries for my boy. Along with all this comes the unpleasant feeling that I’m failing-that I’m not doing enough for either of them, if that’s even humanly possible. Is your best really ever enough?
Sometimes I just let myself sit and stew in the anxiety, knowing its not permanent. I let myself be angry and sad that my life has taken so many turns I never expected, that it has been so much more challenging. Sad and angry that Harper’s future will be so different than I ever thought, and realizing that is a problem for me to deal with, because Harper’s future will be just what is should be. I know after I allow myself to wallow for a bit, I will have to put on my big girl pants, pull myself together and be the best mom I can (even if that’s not enough) for these two little people that God has entrusted to us. I have to believe he gave them to us for a reason, because he knew it would give my life purpose, or because they would give someone else’s life purpose or maybe because I was the best person for the job for these two angels. I don’ know why, but I have to believe the God does and that he is in control and that if Harper or I needs lifting up he will be there to do it.
I hope to wake up tomorrow, just a mom, embracing OUR normal.